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Thursday, May 7, 2020

A note on all posts as long as this note stands

As i mentioned, pre covid the lease i was forced into ended March. I have little control over my nutrition, feel like death every day and even when i have time there is no orgizational ability here no would it make sense. I focused on the garage at first but 9mo into mold car funding became exactly or slightly bellow what it takes to eat out every meal. like i said jan 2019 they understood the garage they picked for my stuff that isnt in their garage (moving out of last place) was packed to the celing and requires 2 people. I didnt get the address till 11 months in and now it would make 0 sense to bring or set up anything thing at this place.

what i wanted to get to is all posts are a work in progress at this moment/until this post isnt visible.

I know from learning about me and med sci in general diet and exercise are huge in cognition, mood, emotional regulation, sleep wake, ultimately how long you live and what you die of. I've comunicated from the start that I needed basics like "desk, chair, place to store clean clothes, place to file important documents, my kitchen things" pretty basic list that sometimes includes a printer.  None of it is give give me buy me give me. its stuff I've had and largely acquired with dollars I worked for and some of it given (like a work group laser printer) had everything to do with how much i worked even if it was a gift.

I also stated from the start that "i dont know if i can tackle this car in this environment" . While they were denying the mold i was learning everything I could. EPA and or any mold pro will tell you "you have to control humidity" dehumidifiers only work down to 45 degrees. the garage here isnt heated. the warmth of the builiding keeps it a bit above freezing all but the coldest days. Dehumidifers dont work very well even at 45 degrees but its key to remember, freezing doesnt kill the mold or get rid of the water. to be sucessfull you need to preform a series of steps ususaly involving some sort of spray on liquid. someitimes a few times depending on how you dispense it, ususally intense grime removal helps and if your process involves wetting you need to dry it asap no matter what you sprayed or what it does. it was pretty clear from the start this was incompatible with 0 kitchen/dependent on that car for every meal. worse yet i had a full face respirator from when i mixed cupric choloride to etch pcbs, the first 3 months they kept that at their house. so what i could do and what i felt safe doing were different sets as well. I had also read early on do not attempt diy if you can not change into clean clothes before your living space. yeah run naked in the apt hallway? open up air out garage with fan for 20 min, unziplock change? ignore that statics on the ziplock is a magnet? still have to vaccum my ass of up stairs and do laundry 2x daily? does any of this seem sutainable or reasonable? throw in budget not starved when it isnt, 2x 4 days at a time, then chunk big enough so if i utilized it perfectly with no inneficency id still be hungry again and forced to idk i should have just killed myself. theres  no escaping this or the fact the system doesnt recognized this is a thing despite the dangers of narsastic parents being well documented theres the issue of most people assume im lieing. cultural expecttion says "parents wouldnt do that/parentst wouldnt be that way" parents wouldnt be that way to that extent. something must be wrong with him. yeah a lot is right now, some always has been, a lot of things were learned since moving out in 2006. a lot of systems to compensate for my shortcomings were developed. Id go more specific but Ive not only read but experianced thats bad when you are targeted by any cluster b. The thing is they usually look for a way to blame you or totally deflect, being open with them about your mistakes or flaws and possibly not even figuratively... they could be stabbing you and focusing on how you admited you mispoke here so its clearly all your fault and you are hurting yourself even right now.

i think somewhat more clasic abuser style both parents have said things along the lines of well... you hurt your self but more specificly "telling people/talking openly about it hurts you more than we ever have"

one day 4 months ago Paul wuethrich :
"why are you telling everyone what im like? and you are telling everyone! everyone who knows me already knows how i am!"

the middle part is pretty tell tail. so is every time any argument happened windows were shut or in the garage i could watch their eyes trying to determine if neighbors were outside.

another point on how warped they are is right before hotel time started my mom printed a list of if i were to move out what it would include oor what the limits were. It was pretty much a non possilbity.
the mold hadent been delt with, it included no money for vet, no money for mold, no calling home, no talking about mold, no talking about bugs, no money for bugs (these problems arnt reali if i say so is both of their motos. having paid for the house to be rememdiated i often here "Theres no mold here anymore, what mold?" and then as enforced for last year but made impossible. the contracted work or and the two decent shots at a start of carreer 60-100k a year position. didnt matter im suposed to give that up and work min wage because i havent worked at all...then i havent worked enough (wwhat to own property? even at ndsu i was doing 30 hrs a week paid internship with 16 credit hrs...surprise the money given was droped to bellow the already fixed via contract expenses.ie rent was a contract I had a few bills, I agreed to get a job when she said get a job but even then i didnt work enough and her biggest concern was you arnt earning enough between both demanding to know when i graduate almost bi weekly. thing is that paid internship was also required for graduation. if youve been to or know about college, if one is perfect (im not but expected to be 2x perfection. ) then 1 credit hr per week in class is a min of 1 outside. aka 32hrs a week school 30 a week internship. never having worked ignores even having to drop me off when at 16 i was making 50 for the first hr 25 an hr after. she only had to drop me off once. I got my DL maybe 3 months after turning 16. The first time at the cpa firm I only had my permit. 9th grade darkroom/production class i had screen printed a biz car, put it up on a coffee shop bulitin board. The owner of that operation called me and i was sure I was only going to go once because heres 16 year old me with mom dropping me off the first day. I had his office and later his home office (partialy retired by the end) for 10 years until the age of 26. My parents are still destroying the project i couldnt complete because their moldy house made me sick in 2014. I've had good clients and he was by far the best. He had no issue paying top dollar for high quality work and parts that improved his workflow. I built him at least 4 custom workstations. even young me knew cpa was data centric. we usually had discrete graphics but the lowest end non integrated card  the bulk of the cost was put into good motherboards and high speed storage, even when raid was in use things like an external back up were implemented (even fault/failure tollerent arrays are only one piece at preventing data loss. they do nothing if a surge/blown psu zaps all the components or if something like a crypto random virus (less a concern in the begining 04 more middle and end) gets control and encrypts your fault tollerent volume. in 2008 I had tested ocz gen 1 vetrtex drives on a hardware raid controller for a year under the agreement, heres the price for 3 30gb drives of this new tech. this will be the biggest performance boost you have ever seen but there are reliablity concerns and even less is known about how this tech does on raid controllers/in raid. 30gb was the smallest vertex model btw. this convo was happening 07. on my machine I rand 3 30gb in raid 5 on a 4 port arcea hardware raid controler and stressed the hell out of them for a year. by that time intel x-25m gen 2 was out. started 2008 delivered 2k9 was a system that was rocking 6 in raid 5 on a hardware SAS raid card(hardware xor and 512mb ddr2 buffer/drive cache) he liked having a tv at his desk and I eventually convinced him to try dual monitor (not just opinion but studies confirm adding a second screen is huge productivity wise) and we threw a cable card compaitble hd cable tuner into the rig around the same time. He was sporting a machine that i cant recall (had screenshots ) the iops on but top of my head 10 yeasrs later know that start of 2k9 his machine was doing sustained 1gb read and write with bursts up to 1.5GB/s (DDR cache with battery backup) this is something that wouldnt be eclipsed till nvme and even still the solution to make nvme fault tolerant is asnt even possible when it came out around 2012. I had to check the web to confirm that date and its part estimate. I found the first spec was published start of 2011 but a spec is not a buy able product. id say the preformance of the storage on that system wasnt really bested (and with out losing ability for one to fail) until samsungs 950 pro in 2015. Which would have ran cicrles around it but if the imporvement would have been noticable is hard to say and the fault /failure tolerance would be non existant other than the daily external backups that were done anyway. Moors law died end of 2012 but im trying to give full disclosure to non tech and moores didnt exactly cover storage changes/thats obviously martched on as flash has evolved because top end ssd on sata in 2k8 was not quite maxing sata 2 and I think 2013 samsungs enterprise nvme products did 3GB a second but the first consumer avalible nvme to beat it...probably the 950 7 years after that system was delivered. sequential read 2500/MB/s write 1.5GB/s trying to teach somepeople metric while im at it. If you note the 2008 system could match that in burst, the 950 pro was also equipt with 512MB of ddr cache.

ive ranted about something i love /gone into a bit more detail than nesiscary but point was i put a lot of time and effort into doing things as well as i could and providing either desired luxery extras (like the tunner card) with a primary focuse on his actual work flow. even in adding the tunner I used it to try to push him into trying a second monitor. He had an old vewsonic with built in non hd tunner (that i had ordered for a previous build shortly after meeting) so I worked in the , this will probably make life a lot quicker with ability to lay stuff out and on top of that your tv will be a window dragable anywhere instead of pick a corner (pip) . I dont think you could have taken the second monitor away a week after he tried it. the last few times I visited (around 2014) he was frequently using the avermedia card to dvr content while watching another channel a document occupying half that montior and peach tree or excel fully maxmized on the other.  What broke that relation (from what i recall//conclusions i drew) was most obviously the inability to deliver the final project. followed by a bit of strain while i was at NDSU. on top of that before moving to st cloud I was dating a girl in VA. I had applied for a PHP programer powition at CACI and ended up in st cloud so clearly didnt get it, but im sure the, John might be moving to the other side of the country played a roll as well.

the thing i cant forget /burned in my mind is this client had two adopted sons. one was always "the lazy one" the other starting maybe 2009 was working for time and living in nyc. around 2014 "the lazy one" (thats actually the sons discripting iirc the client wouldnt have spoken of his son that way at least that i saw...which doesnt mean two wouldnt have happened but i dont know i talked to the son like once when i happened to run into him at a bar and years before for reasons i dont recall we went on a check stores for some part his dad needed sold out or deal short journey unless im making that up anyway he never spoke negatively about either to me/that i saw although one was definatly mentioned a lot more. well around 2014 the lower preforming one got diagnosed hypo thyroid. This stands out to this day despite no longer in contact becasuse its the example of what a parent that can admit having maybe possibly even chewed out a time as a mistake vs our house neeed 50x8 ft of wall removed 1500sq ft of carpet and pad for a problem related to decisions finishing the basement in 2001. so 9 months after pro confirmed were get you diagnosed crazy (i know thats not the pc term its also not wise to say it untill/i wont afford a lawyer so..) aka clearly in the wrong and punisheing for having suffered vs hey were were pretty hard on our son and realize now it was probably a real condition... if i recall correctly they bought him and the furnished a condo.

I wasnt looking for a furnished condo. Now i doumbt i will even have an apt. What I was asking for was ability to even not have my stuff destroyed as I was moving back in after 6-9 apt hell for bugs already known to be real before and after, mold confirmed in their basement and found one place in the apt. bugs found in their hosue and suspected by the vet. Their house is payed off and that was no small or insignificant problem. I dont even care about the confirmed fault part ive even said hey we dont need to i dont want to talk about whos fault I just want my things restored but of course thats "what no ones done anything to you im not keeping your things" or "you deserve it for being a spolied brat" or my mom "im going to make you suffer for taking my time with my husband" which is odd because likely that time ended in 2004 if i wasnt who i am and pretty mature and quick thinking even back then.

it seems to be if you are male in mn. theres no protection from anything your parents might do if you end up livign with them past 18. I know this was partialy true for someone i knew way back when who wasnt male. I also know she was aware as her situation changed of ways she could exploit it but as far as i know she didnt go that route. I do know she likely got the message from MGPD about your parents owe you nothing. comparisons will never be apples to apples but regardless as far as law is concerned even my biz law professor in the breif touch on torts made sure to streess even minors can own property and some specifics about torts. Like ive said else where , I first made cash/income for a website at age 13. but i dont think it would have mattered what I made with the overall actions of mgpd and comunicated stances. (also else where some officers were upstanding, most returned respect given, maybe 3 make my skin crawl/un professional to suspect they got into this for love of telling people what to do with a badge on the shirt, firearm, mace and taser on the belt or suspect wouldnt have passed a military psych eval. With whats been alowed to go down with the maybe 72 hr hold no one quite answers... and the lack luster legislation I am pretty sure that from that moment on even joing the service was out of the question.

I have to wonder is mn a safe place to live as anyone but a mother or middle class sr citizen? why did i work at all if someone claiming to own me can use the police to dq me from military elegibility, open my mail sign over checks and accounts rom said mail, starve me, take the car to get the condiotional to car returning threat used to get the emergency hold after origionally defining a land lord tennnant...etc... like it seems here it doesnt matter that i worked a day ever or if i hadent. as long as something anything might or does happen that puts an adult in mn back in a postion that they might only be able to get by moving back in... there is nothiing to save them from total distruction if the parents are less than moral/ethicle.

Ive read docs even by the VLN that suggest even in absence of a judge ruling there wasnt a landlord tennant relation that how i was seperated from every asset or keepsake ever mine with 0 notice probably wasnt kosher. But how the hell am i to fight that when the people in control of them by said seperation are constantly threatening them.

if i survive i want this to become a platform for legislative reform. here and maybe else where. from what ive seen of mn socitial values and legislation people who likely suffered silently through messed up childhoods end up revictominezed frequently. this is actually pretty predicted with the adult children of npd and or aspd probably bpd. npd get the most name use in articles but from what i can determine the cluster b dramatic disorders have a lot of blured lines and cross over/co existances which not officiilay in a position to know for sure but pure reason makes me think we might have too many definitions in that cluster /seeing divides not there or missastributed what goes on / put the wrong things in the wrong bucket even if the number of buckets is fine. like i said i cant say i know that for sure. What i do know for sure is if there is overlap just refereing to it as children of npd when its likely npd,bpd, aspd parents.. ugh, least exclusionary principal.

things ive found is brain scans are showing long term exposure to this behavior by care takers may equate to actual brain damage. is it really a surprise to expect that every time the lights flicker and one is told they were steady eventually memory may suffer?

what i find really intresting but again cant be sure on is according to my mom one of her sisters is both the crazy delusional one or the one with the best memory. seems to vary by my mothers mood. This aunt has had claims people are breaking into her place and stealing breaking and or moving around things while shes at work.

2006 - current my parents have never had a key to my place. When forced into this lease they began demanding one. back of my mind i was starting to question... is that aunt nuts or maybe even a few times has someone just been that out to screw with her? I wonder who in the family has she ever trusted with a key?

and thats not assumed based on other wise rational past. looking back there are some tell tale signs like a story about a contract negotiation and a transportation directors office ending up with coyetee urine as either a negotiation tactic of fuck you after (i dont recall but i heard that it happened many times over many years) another thing i was always told as someone else did (the last was told as direct) is something about minihaha falls being died orange (if i recall correctly) some guy my dad somehow had no idea who he was but knew that water marker dye for naval operations ended up tied by rope to a bridge before the falls and the falls ended up all that color until the marker die was fished from under the bridge or depleted. it was only recently I realized i also heard my mom used to get a kick out of soaping public water specticals. ie suds the fountian. I wonder if this somone from the naval reserve was trying to impress someone who soaped fountians?

statisticly speaking having two parents with full blown personality disoders would be rare. its not impossible and just beasse anything is rare doesnt mean there shouldnt be some help/awareness/protection. because take all the psych out and therees still basic violations like property earned over 16 years and or everything ever given held random mail opened checks from mail endorsed, 0 notice eviction / "you just dont live here anymore" and sadistic things like " nope i dont have bonnie here "(audible drawer where they have her and cosmoses ashes stored. nope no boonnie just cosmos. good bye... and maybe an hr later call back "ooopps" .

then a month or two ago (oh yeah it was probably the day they filed the ofps i remember because of the car issue even though i didnt know about the ofps till 2 days later on friday the 13th when i was served (gee mom no need to be that much of a spooky witch but image, theatrics, dramatic disorder...)  to the point... I mention why the hell would you guys do that, ive been asking for bonnie and clydes favorite toy to halp morrn this entire year and insterad i get im a spoiled brat and nope we lost bonnies ashes. idk if he then she was holding the phone up the the fucking entertainment center drawer... but the game was an old one: pretend we dont understand tense/he said it happened not accusing you of doing it right now... but the old bit...dog... added a new twist with the drawer again extreamly audible before "nope they are both here" .

npd aspd bpd that are targeting people produce some common themes you can find all over encounters documented by survives and some psych studies/journals. One very common one is they wont admit what they are doing/did but want to let you know its happening and intentional. or if they do admit it, its not something they would say again or admit to with anyone around.

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