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Wednesday, May 27, 2020

psychological distruction



Psychological terror

positions of power make this the most dangrous. if one party is not able to walk away with out risk to life and or further injury persuit and loss of even factors known to contribute to mainting income and well being then a postion of power exists. 

my opinion is all this is, it's as educated as I can make it given the circumstances. it draws on mostly a desire to define a gender and age netural system. parents do not have to be saviors but what I seem to be experiancing is there is no safeguards in place except sociatal expectation they are honnerable. any parent does owe their offspring their word. especially when agreements were in place. most will hold that. the problem is there is a set of damaged people that end up with a need to control others and or feel little but the thrill of conflict and domination. when these types become parents... 

well here's an attempt to put some words to it:

there is an underpinning theme that is unlikely to be admitted... the child or adult offspring is an object for most intents and purposes. some are trophies others are the pile the dog leaves its not actually desired either escapes. 

disclaimer: I am not any kind of Dr. I have had college psych and dove into it nlon my own intensely after. My mother is a cnp and I am the only child they have. they had me at 40 and in the past I've come to realizations they are way off and had some subtle suggesting but growing up it was masked as is now. they cover for each other and deny anything two seconds after if we are alone. when I left for college my mom told me 

pick a set time to call me every week or u won't hear from me. 

March 27th 2020 4 calls in a row from her phone was more than since 2006. she denied having said that untill 2018 when she admitted to it like duh u dummy while trying to tell me a new version of my past to fit them not having made mistakes that could have cost us all everything. it may yet cost my life 

at same time doing learning achieving anything on the level of the parent is also a slight. 

these people have no sense of scale. eye for eye is an old code. to put it in those terms, they took both yours and you swore at them while they did it so better take some more. 

this is figurative but I have literaly been told to repeat the word slave while 3 days hungry. told they define what hurts me. we are the same person... here's a shot at clarity 

forms of harm 


I have boundaries you don't 

social iq and integrity are demanded but not reciprocated 

"your problems are boring and take to long" Marlene Dec 2017

"ive decided there were no longer bugs" marlene Feb 2018


this pic... Dec 17 or Jan 2018 


cheonologicly this was first(below) that unnamed stone st cloud is known for city sibcracted exterminator has a few reviews noting he likes going through personal artifacts lol. glad my lanyard has some probable endicrin disrupterrs, I didn't know u could do that for a living... 
 this was maybe june 2017

note the guy in the back was apt company employee, he's later seen taking a pic of mess they company ordered.. ie all cubards cleared. he also talks about when city will arrive what they arnt going to like. st cloud has a submit pic trigger inspection site.. or had at the time 

like 5mo of inspector coming back for reason like carpet is trip hazard 

the one I laid to protect the companies shortly after moving in.. an office max coworker helped it was pulled tight  washer and screwed on both sides of door.. inspector needed it taped 🤪 of course the law requiring in writing corrections list either at time or with in like c days via registered mail... that wasn't happening. 


that end table overhung the 3ft of egress hallway, 1inch and just the top. despite pushing it back while he watched... gota come back again next month 

meanwhile... 
and then for borax in carpet after rabbits had been moved to presumed Saftey but actual source
again not written apt company tells me "call the city Jimmy will tell you why" 

"unsanitary white power in carpet" 

over the inspection span and until hotel... 

like Jan 5th or so I had first pro carpet cleaner I could find in. I had realized this was a bad situation because.. he's not writing it down he can say what ever the hell he wants and come back for ever.. meanwhile demands are rediculous so better be spotless each time

while trying to go to docs
a client confesses he had scabies few months earlier and I had been working on his pc and website in home office... lots of hell going on but I had also started search for lawyer. now I was stuck calling the city of st cloud so I could schedule time in the rent current unit to clean... drive up from maple Grove and back down at end of allowed time. it remained posted till 30days before notice to vacate. 
despite the immediate professional carpet cleaning. 

I found a lawyer and he said it was one of the craziest things he had ever heard. he was going to work with Mr if I can put together med records apt communications and my story and maybe a bit of the obvious then he could write an effective c and d letter for 2 hrs billed and would give a no charge consult on where to go next 

gave a lot of info that could have been used regardless. most of me putting stuff together... still on my Google drive.. like burning candle at every end 

then parents house /hired mold guy finds issues... 

it was absolutely psychotic. trying to finish stuff for lawyer I didn't make the dinner table for like 15min after they called me (it's not very optional) and it was bam straight into "why are you wasting your time and so disrespectful" 

it was a Sunday and I wanted to have it in his email box by open

they just rip into "WHY WOULD YOU MISS FINNER AND WASTE YOUR TIME WHEN LAWYERS ARNT OPEN ON SUNDAYS ARE U RUNNING UP SOME BILL?" 

... no I'm doing a lot of put everything together so it's quick for him and your money is saved 

WHY WOUKD U DO THAT ON A SUNDAY LAWYERS ARNT OPEN ON A SUNDAY YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME" 

explained how priorities and risk management in my assessment of the situation deamed it essential or best use and we went between I must be running up a bill and why would I email a lawyer on Sunday after prioritization and me explaining even.. it's always clear they arnt going to extend lease they could make this really ugly


just kept forcing the noncense from an angry psychotic tone till I left my food sat hungry staring at a wall down stairs... in the worst room of all

it would have been the 3rd lease period. 

at one point inspector Jimmy is then so cocky "it just feels bad in here can u make it better? no reason to test for mold or bugs I see no evidence" 


oh.. that bug pic above... during the condemned period.. the white is likely mold not the borax. that was long gone but even though my new UV flashlight... well my self made former UV lithography emitter.  I was doing things like small pile of borax in parents laundry room, now wet and shine light take a pic.. shine on powered in apt... wayyg diff. not conclusive but with out being an expert... then as move out happened we lifted bottom of cupboard... yeah.. bleeding would continue till Aug at hotel first week gone back 3 days after cloning laptop drive in their basement on Sunday then lock changes 
while condemned 

I did everything a rational adult should have in this situation 

inside basement wall at parents 

Clyde at parents 
carpet in basement living room when Cosmos was sick


2014-2015 I had moved to st cloud got a job at office max 

with in first month I picked up a biz it support client and web admin. 

I had about 5 projects for sale already working and this was stuff I started back in 2014 then when a gainfully employed contact/friend needed a tool for work I realized it was a modification and could share most parts with one of the 4 so it also offered pay for producing, gave me 2 opertunities at start of career via him and another. I said hold off labor he was more than willing to pay. I was under an agreement with my dad to have a shop but more so constant reminder I'd have to pay him back some day. I had said 6mo maybe break even profit with in a year. I was to this end doing frequent repair jobs and was working towards filing an llc, liability insurance and a conercial location while setting up temp shop learning cad for final boards making tools to fab the boards(UV lithography) 

all products were salable regardless of shop aka the plans had contingencies and additives. was also putting together vid recording from head mount... talk about repairs while I do them post to YouTube. get 10k u get ad money. even if u don't it's a portfolio /cv

combined with website it boost search rank and some other tricks to make it apear on relevant searches and advertising on site as well. 

when I had the self hosted site up for 5 moths the add revenue from half venting and detailing situation half tech... was growing 150 percent per month. while hungry I screwed up with the Linux rm command deleted database folder instead of softlink... started Linux around 2k3..bout time I exoenrianced that... normaly backed up but I have very little control over time or my property or even diet.. drives covered in mold. 

brand new 4tb drives for a raid 5 array planed at the last apt. sitting growing white mold while I'm starved and told it's my problem. 
I was projected to make like 8 bucks the month I deleted it... not much. buT again a cv and demonstration because it still is a kvm hypervisor playing like 5 servers with iommu /sriov Intel xeon e5v3 blah blah but2nd hand ebay parts and soldering a jumper onto motherboard in build. kvm is core of open stack which is what aws runs (Amazon web hosting services) I almost put thst on my server but it's a pain with out like 2 or 3 physical servers so.. dropped down to the kvm base

this build was planed and had a client would have paid powerbill as well.. enough power to host site and a service related to product. 

I was looking into registered agents back when this started though. making detailed inventory of assets so I could show transfer to intended llc and renters at very least but also biz liability  insurance

had along those lines done a repair for st cloud

 comercial realestate agent(office)(all in one pc digitizer glass) 

 
investment banker(turntable pickup rewire) (who was bugging me for flyers to hang in his office. no telling if it would have been more but he tipped and was contacting me so not bad contact even with no investment. clients thst pay more than invoiced are rare. he was also driving a 60 year old truck but not because he had to. frugal. ) 

insurance agent (wiiu screen) 
way more but relevant to where I was on biz front... had to figure out paper to run posting in but knew it was that and file with state 

back on track 

onto some definitions 

Dog Whistling

encoding reminders of past harm in a manner that only the target puts together.



exaggerated example well... kinda.. 

tie someone down and then snap a mouse trap over their hands 

then in every convo as about if they fit the traps for their apartments rodent problem. 

or personal example...clyde rabbit dies. a week later my dad wants to know why I'm going so slow on mold car. 

dad can you think of any reason I'm less productive this week? 

I can list maybe hundred of YOUR problems but I don't want to HOP around all night. 

the mold is not my problem but it's forced to be and can we think of creatures that hop? 







clyde(above) napping in the afternoon sun in a hotel room. I haven't been able to really process either of their deaths. my stomach hurts so much right now. they have been keeping me trapped between do this lose everything hurry up, 0 comfort, starve when budget goes short work faster starve 













these shots were at a house I rented in Fargo with one other guy 



gaslighting.

common forms include
  • "no that's not happening" it's an attempt to make one question their sanity. it's different than a white lie or a personal boundary. it's usually something they have no reason to do other Than torment or harm. it will be something clearly happening and they will deny deny deny then insist you need help. esp if you get angry. it's a game of always have to win and be best and screwifb ur head up is a way to keep you off balance, terror bond, make them think they are superior. the term came from a play way long forgoten. I'm going to call them roommates cause I don't think this world is helped by gender discription I usually read. while there may be slight differences in likelyhoods either gender... or how... it doesn't need to be gendered. the first roommate has this habbit of screwing with the gas valve. making the light flicker but every time the second asks if the lights are flickering it's denied or "no I think ure losing ur mind". maybe even twist the knob while saying no and with target watching hand on knobb. 
  • pretending to not understand basic concepts. what do u mean the shy is blue? or my cnp mom with a masters in nursing needing me to explain what the concept of a range is (math) and that fungus or mold growth is highly dependent on humidity 
  • pretending to confuse a clarifying detail.. esp combined with dog whistle. aka past event where harm was done but described in way where if you don't known intimate fine details (like as an onlooker or 3rd party just tuning in) wow John's flying off the handle for nothing. example.. dad I need the garage door remote back(it was in mold car when 9mo of burning money refusing to transfer title and even mocking about "ha you think u could figure out buying or selling a car?" later they take it scrap it. that entire time explicitly or implicitly threatening if I don't work and or work faster everything of mine is disposed of donated recycled or otherwise gone. including Bonnies ashes) so I mistakenly leave apt garage door opener in that car when they take it.. my dad at some point switched from talk up to 30hrs a week not addressing one topic to make it take 10 hrs trying to get a hold of him and then... well God damn my head is falling apart. oh garage door opener... the other detail is since 2000 or so I've had key and or garage code to their house. so after using police to enforce u just don't live here anymore all your stuff does... 6mo after moving back in on 2018... then forced into lease and he gets possession if my garage door opener.. I get a hold of him and maybe the 20th time and 10th seperated convo he will for the 5th time pretend to think I want a remote for his garage door. but if you don't know all that... why is John so angry over something that trivial? also factor in the crap got on my head and up stairs and this apt company thinks nothing of unlocking the garage I rent and unplugging the dehumidifier or turning off lights and unplugging.. and parents picked it out. all this is while they won't even reliably admit there even was mold at their house. "there's no mold here anymore" 
  • outright denial with suble admission 
  • making it apear u did something u did not. Bonnie rabbits death. first in being picked up in a few hrs, 20min on phone or less and he's leaving with her now told give pineapple if u can. then say I have to shower bye... missed hang up on speaker... bout time I have soap in my hair he realized call still connected and would not stop yelling hello though phone. aka acting with no regard to situation or emotional gravity. acting to consume my cognstive resources with just attention to him. aka they might have killed her. I think it's more likely they contributed ill explain in another post. 


  • I'm sorry Bonnie. I miss you so much. you deserved better. 
cycles of idealize and discard
cycles of traumatized harm and discard 
  • what I think a lot of people fail to realize is how even some of the most complex things humans have come up with were realized by more than one person at the same time and unfortunately a lot of messed up people or something like it are clearer enough to derive enough neurotypical psychology to arrive at basics like denying the obvious from a postion of trust is unsettling and that forcing change is cognatively taxing 


I have it recorded

so what? 
classical conditioning 
authority figures

I'll have to come back to this if I can. I really wanted to get to connecting how when authority such as the police  get involved  with refusal of the possibility or ignorance of the existance of people like this

either truthfully or because it's easier and more cost effective to criminalize one side... or what ever other reasons may exist... 

eventually someone is likely shattered dead disfigured or disabled and it's probably not the one who intends to harm 

I have a love hate split relation with psychtoday and a distrust of anyone who feels the need to say things like "men are most likely to be the biggieman" aka gender it or lay out in their oppinion how men or women should or do expeiance it

that said 
https://psychcentral.com/lib/defining-narcissistic-abuse-the-case-for-deception-as-abuse/

this particular post is a very good description if the terror I experience 

my issues with genedering it are just like dv.. but with a connection to John T mannings work and some other studdies on human brains. we know there are clearly at least 3 sexes, xx, xy, xxxy... well two sets of parts 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/XXXY_syndrome

and I mainly said it that way to try to shake u. its ambiguous.. uh are we still doing phrasing (Archer) 

but gender as far as I can see (and have looked into pretty extensively for a layman probably more than some peolme with phds) 

gender is likely almost entirely a cultural creation. 

at least in the areas of consciousness and cognition, well controlled studies have shown brains tend to have larger differences across personality types and hard to find if noticeable at all ... maybe sometimes more pronounced but on average hard to find diff across sex. 

I can't directly prove John t mannings digit ratio and prenatal hormone exposure is at all related but I seem to recall they found about 40 percent of either sex was not inline with the archatypal expectation. 

which at veryleast in a Meta sense seems to support that forcing dichotomies based on gender might be a fools or shills game 

esp when divide and conquer is an old tactic but very effective. 
and esp when it comes down to creating a class of victims society has been trained not to recognize as such 

esp when independent of gender abuse personality disorders and a lot of other issues probably has a signicant causal factor of parent to child learned behavior or trauma cycle 

I could be wrong but one thing I know... there's no job security in it for me. 

aka the joke about first day of med school 
every patient cured is a customer lost. 

do you think it's any different for the non profits that get lumped in as "the feminists"? 

one can live eextreamly well off pay from a not for profit... well asking as you don't actually end violence against women... right? 

I'm a bit off where I wanted to be but it seemed lkke a decent place to tie in 

the most disturbing morpholigies of this I'm seeing but unsure of cause

things like nation dv site and parts of MN state law have two shit tactics going on

redefining family as a couple (slowly edging out children as possibly suffering) 

like women's studies became gender studdies, most of the direct references to specific gender seems to be disappearing but it's still pretty clear who it's for 

like mn ofp law has a clause... if you had your partners child you can still file even if you never resided at the same address.. 

that's top of my head recollection I won't claim it to be spot on but.. probably helps describe what I'm Geting at regardless.

i don't know about apache attack choppers but I'm pretty sure that sentence can't describe a man. 

for those unaware one responce to the 20 gender crowd was that apache helicopter is probably a gender. 

isn't the seemingly antiquated message far less divide and conquer though? what was it.. degender don't regender 

rights for any of the 20 genders to pick from BUT YOU'D HAVE TO PICK ONE kind cloaks heres more lines but stay between them while doing so in this nasty appeal to the narasstic tendencies in anyone with BUT U GET A PARTY FOR DECLARING IT 

and or a list of people you are holier than thou arst... at least in your coolaid laced mind. 

black and white is not Allright 

gets a bit complex here.. because strong display of traits  or frequency is not a full blown pd but when it's also trained with a tendency to knee-jerk and see hate.. 

seems to me its cordode divide and conquer while the tower of bable rotts and the only common language is bitching about engineered obsolescence 

yep they sure don't build relationships like they used to damn thing broke in two months 

Je connais cette chanson

even with out the possible devious reason I have to wonder why when stats show maybe 40 percent of men and 56 percent of women experiance this feeling when abused like this... 


why not just make it about people? 

to me the devious explenation is almost less worrying than so many people in such seemingly authoritative positions might actually be the neglected child with cave man like ideas that there always has to be winners and losers 

and regardless... if we are relying on teaparty effect... on an article about say narasstic abuse... what are the odds this exacerbates the traits? 

in my situation I'm just as terrified that authorities are some combination of clueless cost reduction, job security and or like recognizing. 

position of power is what creates the potential for harm and mistreatment 

allowing someone to decide someone else has 0 assets or protections of even mail and checks
.... 

allowing false reports to make bad med records? 

it's not hard to show bad charting has taken lives. 

but the less recognized hell

is my parents have shown they don't give a flying fuck about law unless as a means to an end. same with moral behavior.. better be moral to them.. but from them 

"I define what hurts u" 

if u starve some steal from them b4 and after to continuously set 2 steps back while outright refusing to acknowledge even the hunger let alone the mold or general damage and risk... 

this is state enabled distruction of life and person 


with no admission of harm it's insane. they can seemingly do no harm but words said about their actions are a court matter and painting me as violent seems a higher priority than realizing... he has no records indicating he would be like that 

I do not think it's likely anything other than personal judgment and policy to reduce risk to officers and or liability to department. that doesn't make it any less of a perversion of justice 

parents like this try to keep their children dependent. but not outright. 

it's become really apparent that my dad can not stand me knowing anything about cars

what I once wrote off as he finds purpose in doing things for me or making those decisions was me trying to avoid the conclusion... dad wants me disfunctional and someone to control 

my mom while saying I'm not the leader is also threatening my stuff if I leave while chewing me out for being gone even an hr but if I won't accept the gaslighting it was get out your stuff stays

they try to destroy all and any sense of what I need to know to function literaly saying "I define what hurts you"

stacking labor making me predict a budget then don't meet it by like half... prove 2 times where money went then 4 days hungry and never acknowledge the receipts or that this fucks up one's body and mind. it's teaching via literal starvation no matter what u do 

police ignoring check fraud and mail fraud helping them keep and destroy... 

this is sick

I'd say most people capable of critical thought can deduce sucess is part skill or what u know  part who u know, and part timing which involves a bit of alignment or luck to break through. aka if you are a bit off the week someone's Geting premoted at entry level to next.. it might cloud your preformance and that fine of gaurentee becomes impossible.. let's call it qos.. humans can't do qos at 100 percent 100 percent of the time. esp not with where they are what else on their plate and basic needs not only hard to meet but someone actively sabotaging meeting them.

aka to conclude if I can't just start from the street in a town they picked while they constantly take or threaten or destroy what I earned or assets I had...

it's a me problem? at same time laws designed to protect legal agreements and bindings at adult age... like mail and check fraud... nope

so why can't I cobtrol my finances? said to me on hearing my mom opened mail with my name removed check endorsed my name...

I didn't know it was happening for one... but was I suposed to physicaly over power her to take it and then cobtrol my finances?

she already tried to push me over a railing said she was trying to take me out of the world yet I'm the one reported as shoving her across the room/I'm the dv stat

I can't see how there's a situation where I have any rights or protections unless I start from the street and what they've shown is they will still stalk and sabotage or quit for a while before cycling back... 


I have had no way to dispute the claims they bought everything because most of what I need to do that... they have 

on top of that it seems completely unwinnable because Ifvi understand correctly, it's trying to dispute mainly what they claim to feel and any objective metric. 
I found the pdf for the court. I normaly would print that make a meal that balances me read, switch between chair couch bed, maybe do something active as a break... 

they have me on a level a loved friend who happened to be a rabbit is in my freezer, nothing else is in my kitchen, the crap from their house is growing on the 3 cheapest folding tables I could find. for like 3 of the first month's there were diff lies about getting my stuff back or plans and ajendas mainly used to just redirect me even establishing basics. Clyde would likely still be alive except... I can't do this I can hardly tell what's psychosomatic and what might be bad. I dotb need a doc... fucking repeatedly starving someone making sure they don't have assets or transpertatiin. they are breaking all relation between anything but terror. 

ie walk away they probably follow. they take over accounts show up calling welfare checks 

deny calling welfare checks 

go with their demands new bar set after first one is energy effort time in told in failing everything 

starved repeatedly while list of what person needs.. known factors to Geting or keeping any job... reliable transport, ability for basic hygiene, place to store clean clothes, place to file documents and or what ever works for someone to keep a schedule. 

efficiency says things like having to eat standing or on your bed... well now u have more laundry in sheets.. 

my washers been broke for several months. 

I said from start of clean mold csr this isn't safe probably not doable unless some conditions met its not a good use of my time or toward my future. if I can't change clothes after working on it it tracks to living space... if I have no where but floor to store things that makes vacumming even less efficient meaning the multiples of rediculous Mal adaptive but forces under threat 

there is no escape when they can make it so words about their actions enable them to know where I live their crimes are overlooked and not even a stern stop to be had. 

I overhead police the last tune in maple Grove repeatedly asking my dad "do you think he would have a weapon on him?" 

first tool known as a pocket knife that I got... part of a paid website job for a business off of hwy 55. at age 13.  mainly took that instead if all cash because my dad is way into knives. way more than he cares about living beings or his son. 

but I wanted to be like dad. 

now they say I've never worked... mgpd tells me I live the life, they give me a lot, all things I am in no postion to dispute and even trying to counter its immediately clear they arnt interested. a few seem to under stand the word allegedly and Luke they want to create justice most seem netural but a few are abyrhinf but.

i don't have a frequent enough data set to conclude this for sure. things like days off or shifr changes could be the predominate factor but I've noticed as this drags on it appears if anyone stands up for two sided justice.. that face won't be seen again. 

usually the amount given doesn't cover the problems forced so that really doesn't equal ability to travel down there wirh the sort of fewquency to draw more likely or accurate assumptions... 

I say assumptions because I recognize no one is going to admit to that even if it's outright policy. there for observation is the best I can do. observation bias is real. tainted by stress tainted by emotion. small infrequent data points also do not lend themselves to reliable conclusions. 

the orgerthinf overheard last visit though was an exchange between two officers (its always like 4 to 8 that show. 

"do we have anything?" 
"no sterns didn't serve it its not active"
"great that's helpful" 

(guessing they found it in poor taste with covid) 

next thing I know officer is asking if they ever arrested me from there before... 

there also seemed to be quite a bit of discussion about how I got down there. l what I had mentioned about someone just giving me 5 after I was stranded at gas station are we really discussing that we know I shouldn't have been able to eat let alone drive down then looking for how to put me behind bars? 

is is it possible these posts on this site... either way... 

Aug 2018 0 notice lock out after moving in Jan 2018... 

position of power and little ability to avoid risks to life and body crwated.. homeless shelter does not heal what Mal nutrition abuse sabotage and being set back 16 years whole peplle with you dl number and social take over accounts 

if one possess any ability natural or learned to estimate and budget... watching it wildly fluctuate every single month is time spent refactoring reprioritizing... and or wiaitbg in hunger.this takes a physical toll and places a person at several risks. anxiety... this is fucking rediculous the system is every game that the npd aspd are

becuse look where I am.. describing basics like rocket scence terrified filthy alone for 5 years or abused and degraded 

anxiety and digestive issues not uncommon... very common 

then let's add repeated starvation someone that then says you never went hungry we don't starve u... and why don't u use cc to buy food 3 days in one time... knowing they have it at their house and even before ofp police will force me to drive away

threatening if I don't clean car and or work faster on car stuff goes away pretending to lose bonnie abbit freinds ashes 

in mg police telling me to be greatful time to grow up... sick

all the time I worked my ass off trying to get to where I should be .. I'm thinking if I just work harder I'll have time with my rabbits ill have time to meet a girl with shared intrests.. I've put time into and reflection into learning how to create and maintain healthy relations.. takes time to find them. takes ability to unspool from work stress to see clearly on anything relationship or life... 

here I am fear conditioned pwrwlised 5 years alone and 16 years of money made working and mostly buying tools to learn and or make income... 

but more I FUCKING HURT! I'VE BEEN STARVED WHILE RHEY SIT ON AND DESTRIT EVERYTHING 

3 days hungey last year like in a row
"Dad you make me feel like a slave" 

what was that? just the last word I didn't hear it 

sick sick incest abhorent leathal shit.



this is how Cosmos felt about me. if you have had a cat you've probably heard about the cold shoulder after absence. I'm going to puke stomach acid then have 2 week old puke stained clothes if I describe how little I got to see him the last 5 years of his life. this pic was maybe 18 hrs before he drew his last breath. he died in my lap waiting for the vet to come with the shot. all that time spent too busy to see my buddy. parents refused to bring him up as a tool to force me to visit. all time spent not with my rabbits or human friends.. 

they literaly mock and belittle it as take what? what value? 


cropped identity out because they call anyone they get a hold ofs number. starting early 2018 I was getting reports from people that my parents told them several diff John's not OK stories. 

they still are destroying parts bought by that individual for that project 


I jumped on a cross country volunteering trip my last year at ndsu just because it seemed fun



  • this was not Bonnie's day of death. she was frightened was cause. my mom waited till she was so skinny vet was talking syringe feeding and she was dead moments later. I was banned from the house via you don't live here anymore. lock out. no notice. I care even for my pets to the level I knew Clyde needed to know and see her fir closure. I had them freeze her so u could figure out how to get Clyde from the people claiming  to own me 
  • she was frightened jumped hit table seized. 
  • I got Bonnie and Clyde in 2007. I read rabbits hind legs can break their back. there are several ways they can die of fright. even if one rabbit didn't need anything at the vet. WHEN I CARED FOR NY LOVED ONES Bonnie and Clyde always went to the vet as Bonnie and Clyde. 
  • that was the first time since 2007 she had been with out Clyde. aka my dad's decision and he took every possible rediculous action to tie up my ability to even reason from the moment I was alerted she was sick and I had an hr or 2 but they would pick me up... at max 20 min passed while I'm trying to assertaint a in what's wrong and he's being psychotic ly vague. u say give her pineapple if u can.. tune table changes to he's leaving to get me right now. tell him I'm jumping in shower and throw phone on bed missing the hang up. phone on speaker... as I have soap in my hair 
  • hello? HELLO HELLO HEELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO
  • HELLO HELLO HELOISE HELLO 
  • HE gets to hotel with her in carrier in back seat "did you give her pineapple? 
  • yes but we didn't have any
  • yes but we were out
  • hotel was 10min drive.. and he made sure he's screaming bellow... if u were out yes how not enough time passed to have gotten it... I couldn't find those words nor should I have had to... I did find 
  • dad what the hell do u mean!? 
  • yes but not today 
  • you can't see how that's confusing to the question? 
  • eventually he's screaming shut the fuck up

then police before after and recently... not all... telling me how fortunate I am

this was Clyde on the return from a few days later when I drove him to see his lifeless friend. 

he went up to her at first. didn't seem to get it. when I left for the bathroom I came back and a single tuft of fur was pulled he sat opposite of it right by her as seen above for like 3hrs until the vet was closing the carrier pic was the return. 



something I'm sure isn't observation bias.. as much as one can be... 7 years ago like 3 people pointed out if I'm talking Clyde has an ear directly on me and he doesn't do that for everyone.  that pic is about the only one I have where he's that close no attempt. call it what ever u want. he was distraught and sollem no I'm not anthromphing him. maybe because he doesn't know those words or they meant nothing to him... doesn't mean feelings similar wernt there. if u want to make it about specifics like that... I don't normaly talk to pendants.. why would someone talk to jewelry? 

cognative dissonance is a root for the additional stress of the athoritiatve positions backing one side 

others as well but my fucked brain is falling apart 

storing two conflicting views on the same subject

Another terror method enabled by i dont live there anymore and 6 mo in hotels wherr i was lately spending savings bonds or going hungry ... because nit one hitel which was really messing with ability to inboice for severer work let alone do it. Several covert threats to bonnie and clyde then clyde. Swaping cars taking cars...draining me 

They force the lease on the one thet pick pick this or nothing lose all

She claims to have paid ky credit (with out askingg or telling but ooening mail while throwikg awya contracted ptojecte hiding them etc)

But my score says otherwise.. like i said end of 2017 credit tank began 2006 to 2017 aleays made minimum had good credit. 

So they threaren me into thus lease end up having to gaurentee it... then srmsnd the car is ehat in doing ignoring its killing me. Intermitently not payikg 

Landlord landlord mold landorl 

Mgpd insisting drive back up to apt they picked in car not mine 

"They dont bave to pay that rhey dont owe u anythijt"

Im being held hostage. Am.
Not was . Am


like I said but need to reiterate... no real belief anyone is out to get me in the system

the simplest explenation is picking a demographic or allowing who ever reports first one sided protection... 

that expidites cases reducing the need for more courts... keeps police in demand but in theory decreases how many times they deal with same family feud

it explains the chomping at the bit to arrest me a few days ago pretty well

done as out to get me or for good of the system it's still empowering destroyers and abusers over their victims

June 12th. eviction ban ends. I can bearly leave the apt... anxiety like I have never known. 30days hungry last year. unable to be rid of mold they were determined by their hired mold pro was due to their choice in carpet pad finishing their basement 2001.
my apt became host when Cosmos died. I was sleeping next to my dieing friend often on their basement carpet then driving back to apt. 

Nov 2018 is when they paid to be rid of it and made sure my stuff moved in Jan 2018 keeps growing it. they use it as a weapon 

doc told me early 2018 that I need to get away from mold.. how someone my age recovers. 

there are communities online that indicate the same. as well as many reports that symptoms pressist untill a bit of extra attention is paid to diet and wellness 

they have made sure I don't have the kitchen tools I acquires 2007 to 2017 or much more than a mattress and my rabbit friend is in freezer they pretend to lose ashes of my other rabbit friend 

ask why I would need my bike if I'm so out of shape the stairs wind me. 

demanded under threat of losing all that I remediate their car and faster while making sure I prove every time they don't meet budget and then let me go hungry anyway 

ignoring its a problem that epa says grows in as little as 48hrs if humidity is even high.. it doesn't need much but water in air. 

aka a 2 day pause is creating a lot of wasted energy and wasted money 2x I went hungry 4 days in a row which is not only traumatizing but demoralizing torture... because then it's work faster knowing the waste but not accounting for it

from start I said it's not safe not something I'm qualified for not a good use of my time. 

if it's doable I need to be able to dry it after treating it and that also requires major disassembly. 

this is not compatible with it being only transport

esp wirh out my kitchen stuff because that means Geting in wet car extending drying time risking drip of caustic solution on head eyes face etc. fast food expensive and bad for health. 

3x even waved my bike around on driveway in 2019. then this year why do u need it if that out of shape 

why would u need to tell your 32 year old son he can't have his bike at all

I road the Ms 150 charity ride 4 years on that bike. 

I have had several k through 12 health classes and again at ndsu. 

they however say they define what hurts me 

also my dad "I need control because I want control" 

"you know why I'm better than you? I don't lose my cool" 

my mom "in going to make you suffer for taking my time with my husband" 

"you bastard I brought you into this world I can take you out" 

"
https://youtu.be/_nM_wdL2EF0

note she was not at the vet. she tries to tell me what I told the vet and what the vet told me. 

there arnt just inappropriate breaches of personal boundaries its insistance her word sets my reality. 

yet done in a manner it's easy enough to miss. 

except when police act on her insistance and his... 

ignore she is opening mail holding mail taken at least one check from mail addressed to me check made to me... 

she will insist anything and tell u it never happened two moments later, probably smarter than to try it with a Leo or judge though. 

I have no doubt she is also threatening my dad though they might sometimes play this up

if u keep someone with out a clear view of anything and penalize even moves u demand they make in ways that risk life limb and function /disfigured/disabled 

u eventually paralyze them in at least the figurative sense 

if protections against deciding on another full adults financing and federal protected mail potentially containing contracts are not enforced while a party engaging in this behavior is given cart blanch... 

eventually their exaggerations, half truths with omission and total fabrications about the targets disfunction are likely to apear true 

and apeareance is the least of concern for the traumatized terrorized shell of a person that remains. 

I can't speak for much more than two police departments in MN. st cloud seemed to quickly identify a potentially inappropriate situation. I am greatful for that officer. March 27th 2020 I think was the second time my dad tried to call a welfare check to display power and force what he wants when he wants. 

I won't put words in the officers mouth but the jist of it was he acted in my best interests by coming to the door. then communicated he just needed to hear me. totally understandable because yeah that what if... if I wasn't alright... likely to be as scarring for the person behind the uniform as the person not alright. like what's going on from my pov... that's the sort of wound that isn't easily seen and that can make it hard to get over. 

but once he heard my voice (this happened the week before as well so he knew it from that time) he identified he had put up some hesitation due to the last time and this seemed less like a actual Saftey concern or something like that... paraphrasing what was said 

"your dad hung up on me and I'll probably get some questions from my supervisor" 

but this didn't feel like an appropriate use of police force(not quoted because I'm less sure on exact wording)

this is my opinion but that's exactly what a balanced but safe responce looks like. the resistance though light... like I have discribed it seems mgpd gives my parents cart blanch or no fear of even a talking to. I can't say I've heard every word though either. 

I can say like I said above some officers have tried to balance. I don't want to identify them because I don't know what hoes on policy or unofical policy /politics wise I'm any pd. that said there is some weak indications it's mostly geared towards the party that reports first and possibly in an effort or belief this creates quicker resolutions. I've seemed to notice officers that see both sides are the least frequent on the scene. again... I could be incorrectly attributing this. I do error. 

I'm not in error or really exaggerating when I'm saying this is killing me

I had 3 banks 2 credit cards 2 debits and an atm card. 

I'm down to one, and because everything I'd wiped around denied I've spent 8 hrs on hold with this bank on the past 3 months. 

my dad still has a drill battery and really all my stuff they take everything they can every chance they get 

he made me describe over like 10 calls what the power inverter looked like

games like " I can't help look for it unless I know it's a red power inverter. what color is it John?"

dad you just said it

what color is it?

you just said it

SAY IT 

Its red

 what? 

i'm not saying it again 

what size is it? 

I still don't have it. during the hell at their house driving back and fourth they would take things like a mini vac for cleaning the car and just throw them away. 

this is degrading humiliating cruel and unusual it is a threat to my life 

I've now been an additional fucking hr standing at the Walmart self Check.

I can't eat till it works. the first welfare check he called in in March he actually took my credit card from rental car to give it to the officer to look like be was watching out for dumbass son. 


I have t had much of any contact for 5 years. this is disgusting it took a long time to learn myself every part is not out of reach its held over my head while I'm kicked down and told I need bibs not kitchen atuff

close to another hr on waiting still standing at self check 

waiting to be homeless and unable to rent for what? yeah they made life easier. the numbers they give are not accurate and I should have never been 0 notice I don't live there I can't file theft cause I gave them my stuff moving out 

picking on an only witness ignoring he's being starved forcing drive away in car not mine... what's the point here this is sick 



...... 

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