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Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Conditioning Failure

I am not saying every moment of childhood was bad. far from. What was bad and hard to realize is I was attending to their emotions and walking on eggshells. their emotions usually included if they are in a bad mood i can't go anywhere but they didn't usually want to see me or let me do anything either. 

if Marlene had a hard day at work, or just a bit too much brandy after... 

when i moved to fargo in 2006 I had a lot to learn. I was bolstered by having spent 45 days alone in Europe on a trip i saved for. Still operating efficiently and or overcoming the massive anxiety i had at the time . figuring out cooking, budgeting... maintenance of self. to this day interrupted. 

A lot of it id argue i do as well as anyone else. Its hard to judge. problem with npd as parents is they pull emotional strings best case scenaro, worst they violate law and this usually comes out either when they feel slighted or when you get close to being able to chose wether or not you want them around/ maintain quality of life (financially) with out a dime from them. 

funny thing is, had i not paid for the time in Europe and stuck around maple grove osseo instead of fargo, I had an accounting office, print shop, car dealership , law office and two dozen regular home it support and consulting clients and a telemarketing gig for 11 an hr plus commission in 2006. 

Ie i didnt really realize at 18 I could have kept going and rented in say osseo or Brooklyn center, maybe even maple grove under section 8 and not had much of a change in quality of life. I think they did. 

I mentioned wanting to stay around because of what i had going and i was seeing a shrink for minor pstd (much to the hate of paul and Marlene) 

I was told if i dont go to fargo right away the money saved for me to go to school would probably disappear. 

there were some signs they were off. despite knowing i had busy schedules i was usually considered lazy and not trying hard enough. infact the school was limiting before and after school activities i could get involved with. plus I had several jobs. actually 10th grade i was even getting paid by isd 279 for video production. 

but what i wanted to talk about was how screwed up this is in regards to my health and habits i need. 

for the last 3 years they have pushed me in every direction at once. last 2 years they have had police enforced control of all of my possessions. at first both of my rabbits. because they decided to change the lock when i left for a hotel for 2 weeks. MGPD started saying things like "you just dont live here anymore" , "cant file theft you gave them your things moving out".

the 8mo there if i left the 10x10 room i was under attack. I had been cooking for myself since 2007. i still cant. while living there i ate half a meal a day. I was under constant attack for leaving the house or what ever incest or brutal and crual verbal word salad attack they wanted to lay down. usually my mom. 

usually this was anxiety approaching the dinner table. if i left the house i was up to no good. if i stayed under attack. they were hiding keys, disconnecting the car battery and hiding keys. wanting me to tend to their emotions while screaming if i left. if i did id find my things and other peoples paid for parts for contracted work in moldy basement, trash out in rain or snow.

gaslighting one night "i dont touch your things anymore im done doing that", i spend 30 min looking for a connector i needed for a board and its on the table by the door to the garage... aka on the way to the ttrash. she then threatened to push me down the stairs... 

not much later (2 weeks ?) my back is to the railing and she keeps pushing. 

when i was working 60 to 100 hrs a week between 2 places in 2016 and 2017 they held my tax return.

they try to create subtle sabotage while doing things like "you always keep cars a pig stye" well you never see them for 1. two, try working this many hrs. then i get here and every chance they get the garage door opener goes missing or other needed things. i have 3 folding tables for org, they took tools to prevent me from fixing washishing machine. 9mo of clean our moldy car and spend everything u made not from us while we dont supply u with enough to eat and be safe.... hold on to ppe you already owned and your birth cert (and most everything else including bonnies remains which came usps) ... 

well bout 6mo in I spend on cold fogger and start making progress then apt wants to evict garage. odd cause i told them i needed it for cleaning my things. surprise snow blows through the car after im forced to sign the only lease my parents have ever picked out for me under threat of all your things disappear and you are homeless. they would not transfer the title and insisted i had to do it and faster. 

they used false reports to even cut off running to the military. (the psych hold) 
they threaten psych/mroe emergency medical holds for arbitrary compliance with some times harmful things while holding all my things and my id. 

from move in ive said...and i shouldnt have to due to circumstances, but note i still have almost none of this or my id. 
i need :
    desk 
    desk chair
    kitchen stuff
    a place to store clean clothes (had an ikea dresser from like 08)
    a place to store documents

    i also needed clydes cage but mgpd prevented that and the other clyde not dead essentials. I needed to not spend a year alone after losing bonnie and clyde. This isnt a psyh issue, its a human trafficking and forced labor issue by someone who has said they own me 2x once they bought me.

for the first 11 months i was getting not enough to eat with out a kitchen and demanding to know why i haven't found and rented a commercial space for the 2017 agreement with my dad and 3rd party contract. 

ie a misleading taunt. 

but his is half the tip of the iceberg. 

first day in this empty cell i found a flat on the car. I changed it that day. 2 weeks i heard i have no idea how to change a tire so i must be stuck at the apt. 

i was spending savings bonds at the hotels to eat and have gas to scoute an apt or otherwise. the original messed up plan was i had to clean their mold off my things but i was also going to have a commercial space.

I realized monticello had mortgages for only slightly more than they spent on rent here for a year (ensuring nothing is accomplished but destruction and torture) but on a 3 bed 2 car attached garage... far more ideal for cleaning any moldy things and would have offered several advantages

  • no commercial and residential leases aka probably half the monthly rent
  • assuming market doesnt fall out you get some back
  • no duplicate utilities
  • shop in house
  • no landlord to anger
  • access to tc job market if plans a b and c didnt pan out. 
  • fiber internet offering 1gb/s in both directions. plans b and benefit from starting with ability to host a server (which i built) i had a clients site that on that connect tion would have paid power bill for server and left tons of server left for other applications. 
i am more than handy enough for upkeep. heres the second project i ever welded:
about the only thing i did out side apt in a year. it had a mechanical arm which broke. I realized eBay had 25 dollar linear actuators. with the last of EE saving bonds i had bought this welder
v1 had gone on clearance for $150. I had watched 140amp welders for 10 years wanting one... they tend to go on sale for maybe 350, usually between 400 and 600usd. v2 is 420 right now. v1 was stolen by my dad April 2020, or he said that to throw me off. i filed a police report but didnt follow up when he indicated he had the compound miter. (miter saw, welder and my custom-built workstation PC walked out of garage April. computer would have been upstairs except it ran for months in their basement aka sucked in tons of mold and needed to be delt with.) 

I figured it was a hell of an investment at that price. aka worse case i can probably make a quick 50 plus the 150 back. well not when police ignore that its stolen when i suggest my dad might have. not like mn police are ctw and my dad is retired seiu. maybe that has nothing to do with it... but a hell of a lot has been excused. a hell of a lot that has and still is risking my heartbeat. '



random pics below 
















































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